Things about video games that piss me off: RPG edition.

After making the MJ post I realised I had used up basically the only thing that's been pissing me off lately, so I've come back yet again to video games. This time I'm going to explore a genre that I play probably more that anything (with racing games a very close 2nd) RPG's (role playing games).

-Cliche character types: This is something that's been happening since probably the late 90's and Final Fantasy is the biggest culprit I can think of. Thinking of the post-1998 FF's that I've played [7,8,10(aka X)and 12(aka XII)] all have basically the same types of main characters. The rebellious but slightly stupid lead (Cloud in 7, Squall in 8, Tidus in 10 (X), and Vaan in 12). The battle hardened stoic (Barret in 7, Auron in 10). The quiet shy girl, the main guys love interest (Aries (technically Tifa too, but she's a little to outgoing) in 7, Rinoa in 8, Yuna in 10, Ashe in 12). The "spunky" loli type girl (Yuffie in 7, Selphie in 8, Rikku in 10, Penelo in 12). Look, I like fapping to Aries-Tifa-Yuna "rule 34" pics as much as the next nerd, but damn does it always have to be the same character set for every fucking game. I mean why not just call it Final Fantasy: Generic Hero Story (with fetish female charater types)...maybe it's too big for the cover. I mean, it doesn't really matter to me, the main appeal of RPG's is basically spending 50 hours "leveling up" your party so you can kick ass on the final boss, then another 30-40 hours leveling up more to beat all the insanely super hard "secret" bosses (think Ruby or Emerald weapon from FF 7, or Catastrophe from 10) the designers put in to rob us nerds of any shred of a social life we may have had. It's just sad to think that with all the awesome graphics and battle systems and unique monsters, the main characters of the game all fit nicely in maybe 8 different groups. Also, what's the deal with all the "girly-guy" leads of basically every Final Fantasy after 7, Squall, Tidus, seriously! These guys don't look like heroes they look like metrosexuals on a journey to buy some D&G sunglasses.

-Don't treat me like I'm retarded: I've been playing a game called Enchanted Arms for the Xbox 360 for the last week or so, and overall it's decent, but one glaring flaw is, it treats you like your fucking 5. Not that 5 year olds don't play RPG's (I know I sure did), but there's no god damn reason that I need a 2 minute long conversation about how to swim, or some other basic task, when I've been playing for 10 hours already. I have the fucking instructions (not that I needed to read them) and in there it says "A button = Action", that's all I fucking need, besides the fact that when I walk next to the shore a little subtitle shows up that says "A:swim", so why do I need the fucking dialogue. Yet the game insists on telling you (in a somewhat condescending way) that you need to hit the "A" button to do *whatever* when you come to a situation you haven't been in yet. The icing on the cake being that you get the options of "I understand" or "could you tell me again", I think that if someone picks option 2 the game should stop and the 360 should format it's hard drive, then display a message of "your obviously a complete fucking retard, kill yourself and do us all a favor.", then burst into flames (really it's just 1 step up from the "red ring of death" anyway). Just because you designed the main character to be an "idiot who just happens to be good at fighting", you don't have to design the dialogue so it look like I'M the idiot, fuck you.

Things I like about RPG's:

For something a little different I'll put up some things I like about RPG's that deserve a mention.

-"open world": This is fucking excellent, the first game that comes to mind is Elders Scrolls 3: Morrowind for Xbox/PC (also ES4: Oblivion for 360/PS3/PC). Since it was one of (if not the first) RPG I played that used this type of gameplay format. You basically get dropped in the world and what you do is up to you, wanna be a Knight, join a guild, wanna be a murderer, kill off a whole town of people and steal all their shit, go for it. There are main quests and side quests, but you can do them, or not, it's up to you, it breaks away from the "Go to Pecker Mountain and get the Sword of Giant Testicles, then head to the Hall of Assholes and defeat Lord Dipshitium" format of most RPG's.

-Middle English Dialogue: This is mostly just for nostalgia sake, but I love RPG's that use middle English, like Dragon Warrior (Dragon Quest) for NES. I never get enough "thou", "hast", "shall", etc. It just adds that correct amount of fantasy feeling to RPG's that makes them that extra bit nerdy, and it's delicious. Not many games still have that, and it's kinda sad. Since, to me, there are few things better than getting wiped out by a really bad assed boss and getting the status message of "thy party hast been defeated".

No. More. Fucking. Michael. Jackson. News.

Seriously, no more, I don't fucking care anymore. Besides, how the fuck did the whole country go from "MJ's a sick, little boy fucking, pedo" one minute to "OMG he was the greatest entertainer ever!!11one, I can't believe he's gone.", overnight. Just 'cause he's dead now? Your all a bunch of two faced assholes.

I'm not gonna lie, some Jackson 5 songs are the catchiest shit ever put to music, and I'll dance around like a little girl whenever I hear "I want you back" 'cause the song is the epitome of 70's pop.

But that doesn't mean I wanna hear every detail of the guy's life/death. Do I care if he had a heart attack, not really, do I care that he diddled little boys, nope (not that I don't think it's fucked up and sad). But it's no different from giving a shit about R. Kelly getting arrested for making kid porn of him pissing on some girl. I don't care, I liked "Bump 'n Grind" as much as the next person (probably more so), but as far as I'm concered someones public life (music) is what I care about. Their private life (diddling kids, pissing on teens, etc.) is none of my business. And this shit is getting ridiculous, walk-throughs of his empty house, broadcasting his funeral...*sigh* it's just fucked up.

Things about video games that piss me off: Rhythm games edition.

So I decided to bring back a topic from one of my first Blog posts (I'm sure all 2 of you that read my blog are thrilled). This isn't exactly a genre of games I play all that much, not that it's gonna stop me from bitching about them. I guess I should clarify what I mean by "rhythm" games I mean any game where your doing something involving music be it playing, dancing to, singing to etc. (DDR, Guitar Hero, Karaoke Revolution, etc.). For the sake of discussion I'll have to stick to DDR, Guitar Hero, and Rock Band since they're the only games like this that I've played (I'm sure everyone's sad I've never played Karaoke Revolution). So, let's begin:

-Retarded hard songs/difficulty settings:
Songs like MAX 300 from DDR, or Through the Fire and the Flames on Guitar Hero. Basically anything that requires some part of you to be a human jack hammer for 5-10mins. straight. There's nothing fun about "dancing" to a song that makes you look like a combination of a guy from "River Dance" and someone having a seizure. Or breaking the strumming toggle switch thing on the guitar contoller trying to get 100% on what's basically an 8 minute long solo of 128th notes (though I have to admit the plastic machine gun noise is cool). I mean it's not that I don't appreciate that someone pissed away a month worth of afternoons for a combination of masterbation (the only real exercise gamers get), and 3 hour long "practice" mode sessions, just so they could make the first Youtube vid showing them actually passing an 8 minute song from hell. It's just I don't really see the point, it's not even fun at that point, it's a tedious fucking chore. And on top of that, the best thing you can hope for is to be the first person to beat it and make said Youtube video, since no one's gonna give a shit about the second guy onward, they already saw that shit last week when the crazy Japanese guy beat it, your just another dude on the list.

-It doesn't teach you shit:
This is my favorite, anyone who thinks Guitar Hero teaches you to play guitar, or DDR teaches you to dance....LOL WUT, SRSLY (yeah, I know, I'm dissapointed that I just typed that too). I mean the closest teaching thing I can think of in any rhythm game is the drums from Rock Band and Guitar Hero: World Tour, and even that's a stretch, since at best it teaches you how to keep a beat (and use your foot independently of your hands). Except that drum sets usually have more than 4 drums and a bass (5 if your talking GH:WT) and drummers use both feet. Guitar Hero's guitar teaches you about as much about playing a real guitar as upgrading a car in Gran Turismo teaches you about auto mechanics (hint: fucking nothing). And if you tryed to "dance" using anything you learn playing DDR, people would probably just get that sad/dissapointed look on thier face, like when they see a retarded child flailing around.

It reminds me of watching Youtube videos where someone sets a really high "drift" score on Need for Speed: Carbon, then reading the comments where people go on and on about what car is the best real life drift car, and how NFS made them want to go to the local "touge" and do some "drifting". Yeah right, sorry to ruin your day buddy, but drifting on NFS and drifting in real life have about as much in common as a Rolex and a watch you buy out of a gumball machine. Besides the fact that your more than likely a dipshit 15 year old who's driving with mommy and daddy on a permit, and the only drifting your gonna be doing is when you slide into a curb trying to duplicate some shit you saw in Tokyo Drift.